I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You can't just leave with hair like that
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
