yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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