If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize