My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
