I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
