I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
