so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
