Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
