Quick, to the slutcave!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
