You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
