i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
