First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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