Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
