So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
