I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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