dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
