I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
