People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
