My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
