sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
