Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize