I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
