I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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