Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
