i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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