By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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