What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
