I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
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