textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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