It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My balls are so social today.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
