I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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