My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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