My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
