My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
