i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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