The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
