I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
