i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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