ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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