the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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