Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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