I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
