plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
