Dual....:-)
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
