my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
