fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
