before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize