dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize