Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
