grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
