the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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