I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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