I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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