it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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