Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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