FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
