My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
God I need to hump something, right now.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
