I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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