i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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