So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
