On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
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