Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I queefed so loud it echoed.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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