he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
