Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
