Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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