what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
