Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
