I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
my liver is dry heaving
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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