I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
we made out on top of his cat.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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