he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
