the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
