you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
